Irreconcilable Differences
Pastor Anthony preaching on “Irreconcilable Differences” Scripture focus is 1st Timothy 1:12-17. Preached on September 19, 2021.
This is the second sermon of a five-part series on: “Growing Healthy Christian Friendships & Relationships.”
Copyright 2021 by Rev. Anthony J. Tang and Desert Mission United Methodist Church.
Imagine you are dreaming, and you find yourself at the Olympics lined up for a race and you are ready to go. You look around and there are many competitors, but you aren’t even concerned about them; beating the others or “winning” the race doesn’t really even matter to you. You just want to compete. You want to do your best. You are ready to have the thrill of your life. Everyone has lined up and they’re getting ready to fire the gun when you realize, “Oh no, I don’t know what event I’m running in! Is this a marathon or a sprint?” But before you get to ask anyone else, then you notice that it’s a three-legged race where you’re tied to someone else and then the gun fires.
One of you two is sprinting and trying to get the other to pick up speed because you think the race is almost over while the other is trying to slow both of you down because you think it’s an endurance race and you don’t want to struggle for miles and miles.
Both of you are sure that you’re right and the other is wrong.
Some of you are thinking, “This is a nightmare.” And others of you may be thinking, “Welcome to my life!”
What do two people do when one has seen what happens to people who don’t save for retirement and struggle to work until their dying days and so they want to save and save more money for their future while the other has seen what happens to people who save and save and die young, with regret for having never fully lived, and so they want to squeeze every drop out of life right now?
How do two people divide responsibilities when it comes to chores or caretaking of children or grandchildren?
What do two people do who have different understandings and expectations of intimacy and affection? They don’t agree. They love each other and want to be together, but they disagree?
What do two people do who want to be together, but also want to spend their time in different ways?
What happens when one insists that toilet paper must come forward over the top and the other insists that toilet paper should go down the back and underneath?
Or when one squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom—may I add: as it should be—and the other squeezes the tube from the middle or the top? The horror of it all.
Now, to be sure, this isn’t just about marriage. There are irreconcilable differences in friendships too.
Should the dinner tab be split evenly if one ordered a steak and the other ordered a salad? Should there be separate checks? Does one always want to pay and perhaps feels unappreciated at times and does the other always get treated and perhaps feels condescended at times?
Or what about the friend who never calls you back? The friend that always has drama? The friend that never really opens up?
What do you do when you love someone and you want to be with them, but there are differences that seem to always get in the way? When we can’t find a middle ground or a way to compromise?
Before I go any further, let me interrupt myself to affirm as I have in the past, that when I talk about overcoming relationship difficulties, I am never talking about domestic violence or abuse. If you are suffering from domestic violence or abuse, please get help. If you are in a relationship that involves manipulation, control, abuse, threats or violence, please get help. The most loving thing you can do is to remove yourself from violence.
In addition, some of have been divorced. I am not here to evaluate, judge or condemn your past relationships or decisions. When looking at growing healthy Christian friendships and relationships, I’m talking about all of us learning from our past and moving from here forward, okay?
Now, back to the question: What do you do when you love someone and you want to be with them, but there are differences that seem to always get in the way?
The truth is that if you bring any two people together, no matter who they are or how they are related to each other, there will always be differences and some disagreements are irreconcilable.
In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, from John Gottman, he makes a comment about marriages which I believe applies to other relationships as well. He says:
“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage.” (Gottman, John M. and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books, 2015. p. 28.)
Again, in the face of irreconcilable differences, Gottman says that understanding, honor, and respect can help us not only learn how to live with the differences, but also build shared meaning and purpose.
When it comes to our faith, this is what Jesus Christ and the author of 1st Timothy are trying to teach us.
Now, I say, “the author of Timothy” while I recognize that the book says it was written by Paul. For the last 150 plus years, scholars have agreed that this book was not written by Paul because of the style, tone, and vocabulary of the writing. This was not an attempt to deceive, but part of that culture was a commitment to humility. An author would not want to claim the words as his or her own, but as a disciple would write that it was written by their teacher as an expression of honor and respect.
In 1st Timothy 1, the author points out a variety of sins he committed, blasphemy, persecution, and violence, and Jesus Christ still strengthened them and judged them faithful for service.
Now there are some pastors who would argue that the only reason Jesus called this author is because he had only sinned formerly and because he had repented and turned away from his sin.
I disagree because this is NOT what our scripture says. Our scripture says, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the foremost.” Foremost means in the lead or in first place and to be the foremost of sinners means that he is the chief sinner of them all. And as the chief sinner, he says… “But for that very reason I received mercy, so that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience.” Why would Jesus need to display patience if he’d already stopped sinning? Jesus needs to show patience because he’s still sinning. If he were no longer sinning no patience would be needed. But this is why mercy is especially so needed.
“But for that very reason I received mercy, so that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience, making me an example to those who would come to believe in him for eternal life.”
Neither I nor the author of 1st Timothy are trying to make light of sin or evil in the world. The author’s point is that the love of God is unconditional. Jesus loves us because that is who Jesus is and when we recognize how much Jesus loves us, then we can understand our meaning and purpose in him.
In the same way, if God can love us even as sinners or as the chief of sinners, then it is possible for us to love our friends and family even if we don’t agree. I’m not saying that others are sinning or that we’re sinning. I am saying: if God can love us despite our differences, and our love comes from God, then we can love others despite our differences.
Two years ago, Debbie Bornstein Holinstat wrote in the New Jersey Hills newspaper about her congregation, the Agudath Israel Synagogue, asking their neighbors, the Caldwell United Methodist Church to borrow their sanctuary because they had run out of room for Yom Kippur, the holiest holiday of the year, which, by the way, was just celebrated last week.
Apparently, not only did Caldwell UMC agree, but when their Jewish neighbors arrived, the church had not only temporarily removed all of their crosses, but they had also removed all of the signs advertising the upcoming pig roast happening later that month.
Holinstat wrote:
“There is a lot of talk these days about what the Bible would tell us to do. It is easy to preach those messages … much harder to embody them. The United Methodist Church modeled a message about the value of “Love thy neighbor,” a precept Jews and Christians share.
Your message comes at a time when anti-Semitism is on the rise and hate groups are on the march…
On Yom Kippur, we awoke to news of an anti-Semitic attack in Germany. A shooter had opened fire outside a synagogue, killing two innocent people.
I spent my own holiday inside a church where – for the first time in many years – I didn’t once consider where the exit signs were or review my escape plan in my mind.
Haters don’t often attack suburban churches. They target minorities.
You gave me and my family and community one morning of peaceful reflection. And more than that, you gave us hope that love will always win. We saw what you did. Thank you.” (https://www.newjerseyhills.com/print_only/columns/commentary-caldwell-church-shows-love-for-neighbor/article_5c6c0f5a-2346-5886-8f2c-d4fddef3eaa3.html)
You see, loving others and creating a welcoming space for those who are different from us and have different values or beliefs than us is not a betrayal of our own beliefs nor does it require them to change their beliefs. Love means that we can be different, we can believe different things, we can value different things. For, if God can love us despite our differences, and our love comes from God, then we can love others despite our differences.
One more story. (https://www.wsj.com/articles/how-next-door-neighbors-with-opposing-political-views-stayed-friends-11603210097?mod=searchresults_pos5&page=4)
It was October of 2020, last year, in Mount Lebanon, a suburb of Pittsburg, the Mitchells had posted a Biden for president sign in their yard. Someone stole it, presumably to destroy it. Their neighbors, the Gateses, had a Trump sign up, but it was gone too; not because it was stolen, but because people walking the neighborhood who used to be friendly started ignoring them and throwing shade, if you know what I mean.
The Mitchells are pretty far left and the Gateses are pretty far right.
They’ve lived next door to each other for fourteen years. Both families have three kids that are roughly the same ages and during the pandemic they had formed a bubble together spending every Monday dinner alternating between each other’s homes.
So when last year’s election came up with all of its divisiveness, they responded by… continuing to eat dinner together every Monday night. When they talked about their missing signs, they did something radical.
They put their political signs back up, along with another set of signs that said, “We love them” with a big arrow pointing at each other’s homes.
Irreconcilable difference will always exist. And if we want to growth heathy Christian friendships and relationships, then we recognize that those aren’t the most important things to worry about. Because if God can love us despite our differences, and our love comes from God, then we can love others despite our differences too.
